I treated myself to a dvd player yesterday so I can watch Harvey Birdman relentlessly on this tiny-ass tv on loan from Amanda THAT I'M SO FUCKING GRATEFUL to have. Anything to distract me from the rest of this empty, nasty house.
Man, I spent a lot of money yesterday. The best surprise is finding out you have more money in the bank than you expected. So I went and blew some mernies on dumb shit, and it felt real good. I've been stealing a lot more, too. I've acquired a tiny trove of treasures over the past week. One successful stealing spree is never enough. When I start, I don't want to stop. Coming to this realization has caused me to believe I may have some sort of addiction to it. I like to situate my stealings into little piles when I get home and admire them all together. Sometimes I'll add up the amount I didn't spend on them. Its rarely things I need, or even want. Sometimes its just because I know I can put it in my purse and leave with it.
Yesterday was a great fucking day. No work, Josh/Leslie time, washed all the clothes, cleaned the house extensively, Rachael's birthday, then some Leslie/Colin hang out time. The latter of which isn't frequent enough. God, I've missed that dude's company. I know I fucked up a while back, I know we should probably be closer, and I know I probably don't deserve his friendship. I also know I've never felt as comfortable around a guy as much as Colin. I know I don't have much to lose, and I know I should probably tell him how I feel. I just don't want to scare him off. Whatever happens, I hope we're back in each other's lives for a while.

I need to stop convincing myself drinking is fun. I always know what the outcome is going to be, and the outcome is always hours of unsatisfactory poos and unrelenting headaches. There's just this tiny part of me that refuses to let go of the love for bad decision-making.


1 comment:

Eli Blake said...

I hope you do quit. Not the stealing (though I hope you can find it in yourself to quit that too) but the drinking.

I've lost several friends because of alcohol (one, who was a lot older than me from cirrhosis of the liver-- he'd been quit for several years but he died while he was waiting on the transplant list, another who I met through AA after she drowned in her toilet while throwing up after losing her sobriety and getting too drunk to even be able to pull her face out of the water, and all the rest from various forms of accidents.)

One of my friend had just graduated from high school and was going to report to marine boot camp three weeks after he graduated. One day, he wasn't even drinking, he just got into a car that was being driven by someone who was. He was t-boned after running a red light and my friend died. His mother had to call the marines and tell them he wasn't coming.

The bully who used to pick on me in high school died after his motorcycle got hit by a drunk driver and his leg got cut off. He bled to death there on the hot asphault. Teddy wasn't a very nice guy but the truth is he had a very tough life growing up and he didn't deserve to die like that.

There was a lady I used to work with. She had one daughter, an only child who she was very, very proud of. The lady at work was always happy and smiling at everybody. Then one day when her daughter, then sixteen, was riding in a bike-a-thon, some jerk who was drinking at a softball game ran into the back of it and killed her daughter. After that Kathleen never smiled, never was the happy lady I knew. She was always sad, always serious and never said more to anybody than she had to. It was so sad.

I hate alcohol. I hate it. I'm an alcoholic (though I've been sober for years), and I know it brings nothing but evil and misery and pain and death.

I'd never support prohibition or anything stupid like that, but I will say that I don't know anything at all that has led to more misery and pain than alcohol. And that's the God's honest truth.

I know. You will delete this because I'm ranting on your blog. Sorry about that.