In just two days, the happy little homestead we've made here will be invaded. I'm not ready I'M NOT READY. There are a million things happening in my brain at all times. Dicky Shittus.

I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

So when I have a little money again, I decided on a couple expensive, unnecessary things I'm going to buy myself as a reward for not trying to kill myself in the past 3 months.
First, I'm going to get a pair of fucking retarded sweet headphones:


Second, I'm going to get a pair of boots of a quality variety. I don't know what kind. I'm doing it though. Maybe deez:


On a serious note, the next couple weeks are going to be nuts. Deesnuts. I guess I don't have to be here if I don't want to be here. I'm honestly just a little concerned about the miscreants that could potentially be frequenting my house.

WOAAAH getting baked before class is incredible. School's gonna be alright, I'm gonna do okay. I love school supplies and hiding upstairs in the library.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CONNIE

I WANT TO POST PICTURES BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I NEED TO DOCUMENT THIS FEELING WHILE I'M FEELING IT. I HAD ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS EVER TONIGHT. Without doubt. Thank you Hayley for not giving up and continuing to invite me out until I finally do it. You are a beautiful friend. Tonight after work I went to the Speakeasy with some of my favorite colleagues, Dylan and Haley. $1 well drinks. Fuck yes. We went good and organic, I had about 3 drinks--PERFECT amount for me these days. I was ridin the snake so damn good, I didn't want to go home and sit around on the couch like I always do. We always make big plans for going out and doing cool shit, but we rarely ever do it. EXCEPT TONIGHT.

After Speakeasy we came back to the house, and I felt like things were starting to look bleak. To my surprise, it took little convincing to get everyone up and piled in the cars, and then we drove down to the tracks on Morris on a whim. I know the tracks are a little juvenile for me, especially now that I'm all 22 and shit, but doing stupid teenage bullshit is so much better when you're old enough to take it all in for what it really is. We hopped up on a the tracks and walked for a long time. A couple trains passed--they are beautiful. I can't even describe what it felt like standing between two trains passing with the wind blowing and shit...it made me feel fucking amazing. Maybe it was the drugs. Whatever it was, I want to ride that snake forever. BEST PART: I FULFILLED A DREAM TONIGHT. I hopped a train--a train in motion. I don't know what made me do it. I'm usually sort of a chicken about shit like that. I always talk about it and want to do it and wish I did, but I never actually do it when the moment arrives. My body felt fucking incredible and my mind blanked out for a second and my hands just reached out and grabbed the ladder and my feet followed. I mean I probably rode the length of a football field, but the fact that I just fucking jumped was what was mind blowing. The rush...I can't even describe it. I wish I could feel like I felt tonight all the time. It was just fucking amazing.

God. I have pictures but I need to sleep. They'll be here tomorrow to remind me forever of this feeling.

kill yourself

THIS WILL BE THE FINAL WORD ON THE SUBJECT:

LET IT BE KNOWN THAT
shut up savannah, you sound like an idiot, nobody likes a fake, way to fuck shit up, i'm going to mail you a man-eating puppy, AND your myspace bulletins are ultra-gay.

its sucks that you aren't as awesome as i thought you were at first.

THAT IS ALL FOR NOW.

BODY IN A WOODCHIPPER

I treated myself to a dvd player yesterday so I can watch Harvey Birdman relentlessly on this tiny-ass tv on loan from Amanda THAT I'M SO FUCKING GRATEFUL to have. Anything to distract me from the rest of this empty, nasty house.
Man, I spent a lot of money yesterday. The best surprise is finding out you have more money in the bank than you expected. So I went and blew some mernies on dumb shit, and it felt real good. I've been stealing a lot more, too. I've acquired a tiny trove of treasures over the past week. One successful stealing spree is never enough. When I start, I don't want to stop. Coming to this realization has caused me to believe I may have some sort of addiction to it. I like to situate my stealings into little piles when I get home and admire them all together. Sometimes I'll add up the amount I didn't spend on them. Its rarely things I need, or even want. Sometimes its just because I know I can put it in my purse and leave with it.
Yesterday was a great fucking day. No work, Josh/Leslie time, washed all the clothes, cleaned the house extensively, Rachael's birthday, then some Leslie/Colin hang out time. The latter of which isn't frequent enough. God, I've missed that dude's company. I know I fucked up a while back, I know we should probably be closer, and I know I probably don't deserve his friendship. I also know I've never felt as comfortable around a guy as much as Colin. I know I don't have much to lose, and I know I should probably tell him how I feel. I just don't want to scare him off. Whatever happens, I hope we're back in each other's lives for a while.

I need to stop convincing myself drinking is fun. I always know what the outcome is going to be, and the outcome is always hours of unsatisfactory poos and unrelenting headaches. There's just this tiny part of me that refuses to let go of the love for bad decision-making.

OKAY WELL ITS TIME TO WORK.

Its been a month. This is what's fcking happening:

Josh and I moved into our new house. Its huge. So fucking huge. Being in this house makes me so happy even though I've been so hard up for money that I've had to forgo food a couple times. We were done over pretty hard, but the silver lining is not having to live with an irresponsible shithead. In September two of my favorite co-workers are moving into the house with us, and life should get a little easier.

I did work for that attorney--a little bit of work. I'm not sure if I'll hear from him again after I get paid this time. I wanted that to work out. REALLY GD BAD.

Crazy things have been happening in my head. Lots of random people have crossed my path lately. Its a strange feeling...I mean I haven't done anything besides go to work in about a month, so I haven't really made an effort to see friends or meet people. I've spent a lot of time with old friends this summer, and that's been amazing. I've spent a lot of time with people I've never met before this summer, and that's been fucking weird. I've spent a lot of time thinking about growing up and being responsible for myself this summer, and I've spent a lot of time trying to explain it to these folks, and I'm not sure why. I've spent some time getting to know my dad. I may have finally figured him out. I feel for the first time in years like we kind of respect each other. And I've never appreciated my mom more in my life. I miss my grandmother and my cousins. I miss Amanda and Chomps. I miss the friends I made last summer. I miss Ann. I want to take a vacation somewhere. I want to register for my classes this fall. I'm going to reteach myself French, and I'm going to learn how to play my guitar after about 10 years, and I'm going to start cooking regularly. I've been reaching a couple epiphanies...pretty much daily. Maybe its the melange. I don't think I'll make it through August without giving myself an aneurysm.

This house is the nest of dreams!

Seriously, I've felt some FORFCKINGREAL changes happening. Time to start growing up and stop giving a shit about what everyone else is doing. It breaks my heart to see good folks legitimately destroying their lives, but what the fuck can anybody do about it? I'm finished with aspiring shitbags. I'm over it. Its time to get real, because I'll be runnin' up that hill too soon.

Dynamo is happy here, too. She makes this drunk face every time I scratch her head. GOD.

so i woke up to a phone call from pete adams, attorney and old frequent of my starbucks. what started off as a joke has turned into my being his secretary of sorts, starting this sunday. he's paying me $15-$20/hr to type transcripts for him, and its all going to be via email, so i never have to put pants on or leave my apartment. sweet mother of god how much does that rule. ooh i need that scrilla.

today is also my hbic(amanda)'s double deuce birthday. happy birthday bitch.